I smell mulch.

It’s dark, and I’m virtually naked—wearing nothing more than a gas mask and a pair of slippers—when a voice inside my head starts talking like a 1950s public service announcement.
    ‘Stay Calm,’ it says. ‘Stay off the streets. Don’t open your door to anyone, especially if they smell like mulch.’
    I look down, slowly. These are not my slippers. Suddenly, my bottom becomes very itchy…
    I swear only a few seconds have passed, but I have a beard down to my chest and my feet—now slipperless—are wet and cut up. I pick up the phone to ring a friend, but I’ve not even finishing dialling the number when an agitated male starts shrieking out of the handset about the kind of weird stuff that goes on in the back rooms of game companies. He mentions a toy gun; one that glows purple and shoots smoke rings when you pull the trigger.
    The line goes dead.
    Keen to account for my lost time, the hint of purfume that’s clinging to my body and my sudden hankering to chew straw, I investigate further.
    It turns out I’ve been keeping files, dating back to 2005. In them are photos of corporate G-men and a man who looks like a videogame journalist. A box is being exchanged. Transcripts of phone calls indicate this man has been blathering excitedly to me about the contents of the box. The word ‘Pandemic’ is mentioned.
    The big clue, however, is an email from a Mr Joseph Donaldson, Director of Operations in the US. Apparently, I contacted him, attempting to dig up a little hard intel. I read the email out loud to myself, with an American twang to my speech.
    I say:
    ‘Here’s the info on the gun:
    ‘It was made in China for Zero Toys. THQ Games ordered and branded it as a promotional item. But the true purpose of the thing is clearly indicated on the label: to “Destroy All Humans”!
    ‘The “liquid” used in the gun was also made in China from unspecified chemical compounds “commonly used in foods, drugs, and cosmetics”. (I mean, it’s all pretty much the same stuff, right?!) There are warnings included on the back label: don’t spray into your eyes, don’t shoot it up your nose, etc. But the most important specification is a simple two word statement: “Not Food”.
    ‘The gun is kept under constant guard (we think), and has never been misused. Any reports of misuse are the malicious inventions of irresponsible parties and are categorically denied.
    ‘About the spaceship in the studio at Pandemic… There is no spaceship in the studio. Anything that may or may not be suspended from the ceiling of the studio which may or many not resemble some sort of alien flying craft does not exist. Stories and reports about such a ship are the malicious inventions of irresponsible partis and are categorically denied. Any such vessel that you yourself may have seen does not and did not ever exist. Furthermore, any representations regarding designs, specifications, test flights, or any other planning for the construction of such a machine are hereby disowned, denied, refuted and disavowed. There is no spaceship in the studio. I hope I have made myself clear enough in…’
    There’s a knock at the door of my apartment.
    I stop reading the document.
    I smell mulch.

Toy: Destroy All Humans Ray Gun
Manufacturer: Zero Toys
Model: Nada Poke
Words and photography: Drew Taylor